Tuesday, 14 May 2013

BREAKING GAMESWORKSHOP NEWS! - MUST READ!

Games Workshop has announced the creation of seven foot armoured warriors to enforce copyright law and patents internationally of intellectual property, concerning miniature seven foot armoured warriors (see video evidence below).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=U8qglSV74XY

Games Workshop acting CEO Tom Kirby had this to say when questioned about the legions of seven foot armoured marines and resulting efficacy they may have on intellectual property protection:
"In the unlikely event that the twelve legions of genetically engineered super-beings fail to enforce our copyright protection world wide, we do have a planetary virus bomb in development - our intellectual property is important to us, if it's not purchased at ridiculous prices legally then no one can have them!  We expect our virus bomb to be completed by the end of this year".







Tom Kirby with Chaos Terminator bodyguard.


Upon further questioning it was revealed that the development of the planetary virus bomb is being enabled by redirected funding from the dissolution of the now defunct Specialist Games Division.


This news has come as a shock to the local New Zealand gaming scene, a local gamer who wished to remain anonymous had this to say:
"This has come as a real shock to us you know, ah, New Zealand is a small country, and, ah even as something as small as the new High Elf book can be really upsetting - this is really big!"

However, not everyone in New Zealand has been caught unawares by the impending genocide soon to be unleashed by Games Workshop.  Pete Dunn local gaming celebrity had this to say:
"Look, I've been telling local gamers to support Games Workshop products, I mean, essentially you'll get a quality product for the price you pay - understandably though I can appreciate the lure of proxy models"
When pressed on the forthcoming Horned Rat tournament he responded:
"Yeah look, having legions of seven foot fascist marines wandering in checking army books and miniature integrity is going to be a bit of a dampener - so I've decided to cancel the tournament.  However, I do have a contingency plan - beneath Chateau Dunn I have constructed an Ark ship, that has room for twelve gamers outside of my immediate family".

It was elucidated that if planetary genocide is imminent, at years end the top twelve gamers could book a spot on Ark Ship Dunn.  Twelve gamers also being the prerequisite number to make an official tournament garnering rankings points.  At this point it's unclear if there will be any "pass-downs".
Final questioning revealed the chance of a new Skaven book before worlds end, Mr Dunn responded:
"Unlikely.  The twelve chosen can expect to play me and my Skaven in perpetuity".

Grim.

New information has come to light that the tears of Jervis could be used as a weapon to combat the virus bomb - Henry Poor from The League of Extraordinary Nerdymen had this to say:
"Yeah, we've been working on a theory that the tears represent everything that is good and holy about GW of days gone by.  Not quite sure yet how exactly it's going to stop the virus bomb, but if we believe hard enough it may just come true and it be revealed that GW isn't a fascist corporation bent on worldwide genocide"


Jervis cried many tears upon the dissolution of His Specialist games.
Meanwhile on Twitter-Verse "fishing" has become a hotly contested sport almost as much as the coveted Warhammer Masters.  Upon receiving his award for "Top Twitter-Verse Fisherman of the Year Award" Pete Dunn had this to say:
"Yeah look, my Masters run has been pretty disappointing for me and this award has really lifted me up onto the top of my game".
When asked about which fish were the easiest to catch he replied with this statement:
"Those of the English variety".

There you have it folks, that's the end of this weeks news round-up.  Lets all hope we survive the coming trials for another installment.

Praise Jervis, may His light shine ever on you. X

9 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. No unfortunately bud....my plans have been scuppered at the last - my business partner has booked a trip to Oz that was unknown to me and I have to cover that weekend. Sad face.

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  2. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, tell me it's not true!!!!

    srsly you are awesome.

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  3. In Jervis we trust. A clear and accurate write-up, thanks Rory!

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  4. Agonising death by a body-melting virus or playing Skaven for ever......

    Glad I'm not a top 12 player, so I don't have to make that choice.

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    1. Looking at the current top 12, I think shit would get pretty Lord of the Flies pretty damn fast. I'd pay good money to watch that post apocalyptic film.

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    2. It would last about 5 minutes. After that people would appreciate living in my benevolent dictatorship. It's all about conviction not consensus.

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  5. Replies
    1. Thanks for the comments folks. J.K watch out for 9 Inch Charge "Lord of the Flies edition".... keep the creative feedback coming... x

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